I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
