She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I think your dad took our porno
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
