can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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