If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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