I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
