i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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