She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Dicks are not precious.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
