just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
