so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
