So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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