It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
