he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
