She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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