2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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