Come see our sink grown plant.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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