paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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