I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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