I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
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The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
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I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up