tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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