So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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