Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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