Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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