The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
My bed smells like the plague
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