last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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