never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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