I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
