Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
do herpes really smell.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
