hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
