I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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