did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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