omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
