I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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