is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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