He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
