There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
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