dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
someone owes me an orgasm
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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