You're completely useless in the revolution.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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