who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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