God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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