Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back