think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
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I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
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We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND