hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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