I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
