I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
