I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
im calling her cock vulture from now on
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
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