If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
