Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
