I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
