Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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