What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
