Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
