Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm going to jail i love you
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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