Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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