The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
