Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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