I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
