Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
